Saturday, August 22, 2009

Brennan Post 8/22/09

I just saw that zane had posted something about college and I remembered that a couple nights ago I had written some pros about the same subject! So here it goes...

Thoughts About College and This “New Life.”

I entered the gates of Abilene Christian University this week and I’ve carried the weight of the decision through the hallways like a ghost. As the activities pour over me, I glide through the hallways and lecture rooms like a spirit, in awe of the future moments rolling upon me. It’s not that the college is mind blowing or anything, it’s the fact that my bones are growing into adulthood, and the steps I’m taking are moving and moving fast. The uncertainty of it all gets the best of me sometimes. I’ve been alone in the corner of my mind, staring around at the images around me, confused by their complexity and rhythm, and the hopelessness of it all begins to trickle down like boiling lava. The social environment is so frightening and reminds me how spoiled and sheltered I’ve been for the past four years. New faces. New people. New friends. New life. Supposedly. And I’m tapping my fingers on a desk, listening to light music, letting the thoughts flow, and wondering if it will all escape me, and I’ll end up loosing the missing piece to the puzzle of the perfect college experience. Whatever that means. Classes haven’t even started yet. but I sit here, breathing deeply with ignorant depression that will soon be appeased with time and friendship, and I know how stupid my insides have become, but I don’t know any other way to be. This all sounds oh, so sad, but you have to understand, I consume sadness. The inspiration of it all wakes up the psychedelic heart strings in my quivering fingers. Happiness does this too, just as intensely, but I’ve had lots of happiness lately, and really to be honest, I’m tired of it. Same old same old turns cold, no mater how much it burnt your hands at one time. So this terrifying new life that towers over me, casting it’s ominous shadow over my trembling frame, is just as bad and just as good as it seems, and all I can do is wait, wait, and I love it. New faces. New people. New friends. New life. Whatever that means.

Brennan Utley

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